Your face needs that tomato way more than that pizza ever will…

The gal on the very bottom looks like she could be that tomato's sister, doesn't she? The gal on the end looks like she could be that tomato’s sister, doesn’t she? (Something about the mouth….)







 One of these days – if it hasn’t happened already that is – you’ll glance in the mirror and your heart will stop.  And for once the fact that you’re a broke-ass 47 year old who can’t get a job at McDonalds won’t bother you as much as seeing Grandma’s face (on her worst “old lady” day) staring back at you in ironic amusement.  Only you won’t be amused, will you?  


As you start to panic over the seemingly sudden appearance of the dry lifeless, and getting wrinkled!  skin, along with the sags and bags that now cover your once Dewey complexion, it dawns on you that maybe you shouldn’t have bagged on Grandma for getting old, wrinkly and well…baggy.  Even though though you had the courtesy to make fun of her sharpei wrinkles behind her crooked old back you now wonder…is there a chance she might have heard your cruel comments? You realize that you may have royally screwed the pooch when you picked on her pouches, but its too late for sorries now – Grandma’s been dead and gone for 25 years or so.  Yet it appears that she’s somehow come BACK from beyond the grave to get her revenge…on YOUR face (which is becoming the very face you used to make fun of)   Can’t you just hear Grandma’s gleeful cackle at the meting out of justice?  Hmmm….what to do….

Face lifts and other surgical treatments are OUT.  Did I mention you’re BROKE? And besides, you never did well with knives – remember that “situation” with the  genital warts you had to have removed last year after a fuzzy drunken night o’ love with that toothless guy you met at the free clinic? And forget those foreign sounding face creams, they’re way too expensive and they never worked on Grandma’s face although she bought EVERY damn one of them at some point in her life.  So should you just sit there and shrivel up like a prune, day after day, until you start getting calls to audition for California Raisins – The Next Generation?

I heard it through the grape vine Granny...

I heard it through the grape vine Granny...

Hell NO!  We don’t roll that way do we Mildred? (Oh was that your Granny’s name? Sorry, you just look SO much like her…)  Luckily for you, once again I have a solution that’s right up your alley – It’s cheap, it’s edible (in it’s other role as food that is) and is WORKS! (unlike you…)  What is this miracle “anti-grandma face” wonder cure? Why the lowly tomato, of course…. It acts just like store bought alpha hydroxy cream but it’s pennies on the dollar PLUS it won’t wear out your skin as “man made” alpha hydroxy cream does.  In essence, the juice of the tomatoes perform a natural chemical peel on your skin.

A word to the wise.   If you get your tomatoes from a store then you can skip this section.  But it you are getting some from a neighbors plant or stealing them from a farmers field somewhere, know that tomato plants often have illegal aliens hanging UNDER their branches – the very disgusting TOMATO WORM.  You may have not seen a tomato worm before but once you do you will never forget it’s ugly florescent green hue and evil unicorn horn.  They kinda of come out of nowhere, even after you swear you’ve already gone leaf by leaf and deemed your tomato plants clean, so just watch out – they have stingers. 

Even when they’re trying to be festive they’re UGLY AS HELL, aren’t they?

And for those of you who think it’s fun to inhale whip cream from cans and lick toads to get high – let’s be very clear on one thing – these ugly “things”,  should you be crazy enough to want to eat one,  are NOT edible like that “other” worm, made so popular by former acid heads who’ve switched over to Jose Cuervo – so don’t find one and down it, thinking it will get you high.  
THIS worm is a tequila worm:


(In reality it looks more like a formaldehyde-soaked “johnson”.  Hey, maybe we’ve located the rest of the missing peepee of the infamous, adulturous and surely regretful, Wayne Bobbitt.  For those of you in a coma at that time, back in the 1980s Wayne Bobbitt, along with an entire southwestern state police force,  searched frantically to find his missing dong before it was too late to reattach it.  A crucial part of it was actually located in the field where it landed after Mrs. Bobbitt tossed it from a car window on the freeway  –  this happening after an enraged Mrs. cut it off one night as Wayne lay peacefully dreaming of schtupping young hookers with firm boobies.  Anyway,  whatever it is in that jar – dong, worm – it’s not all THAT in my opinion.  

 OK so you’ll need two tomatoes.  Pick two fresh plump red tomatoes (sans worms of course) and place them on a cutting board.  Get a very sharp steak knife and Bobbitt each tomato into thin slices.  Place them in an empty bowl.  Don’t throw the juice away – I’ll tell you why in a moment.


OK – Moments up. 



The theory behind the tomato slices is that you place them all over your face and lay flat for 20 minutes.  Doesn’t work, I’ve tried laying in the tub with my head back, I’ve tried laying perfectly still and flat on the bed (no pillow behind my head) – they keep sliding off the face no matter what you do.  Try it if you want to, maybe you’ll have better luck than I did.

But to me the alternative works just as well.  There are several different recipes for the tomato skin tonic, but as your desperate to keep that vengeful “Grandma skin” at bay as soon as possible, I’m going to give you the simplest one:

After you sluice and squeeze the juice from the slices into your bowl (seeds are fine and you can’t avoid getting some of them anyway), you simply use your fingertips and apply the juice to a clean, dry face – avoiding the eye area, lips and mouth, of course.  It has more consistancy than water and dries pretty quickly.  Be sure to wrap your hair up in a towel beforehand, as the tomato juice is sticky and you’ll be sure to get some seeds drying in various places on your skin – you don’t want to be picking them out of your hair.

As I mentioned before, tomato juice right from the tomato acts as a natural chemical peel, so after 20 minutes is done and you rinse with cool water, you may find that your face is as red …as a tomato! ( LOL, couldn’t resist that one) The redness will go away fast.  After your tomato peel is completed just apply skin creme as normal and you’re good to go.

Do this 2 to 3 times per week and send Granny back to the grave…where she belongs…Have fun!





2 Responses to “Your face needs that tomato way more than that pizza ever will…”

  1. November 14, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    This gives new meaning to the term, “pizza face”.

    • November 15, 2009 at 1:20 am

      And that’s what i was getting at …you know, beauty tips with a TIP ouccch…what woman hasn’t felt that that before? (Don’t worry i dont expect you to answer that one.,…LOL)

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