Archive for May, 2009

13
May
09

YO PLAIT – er! Time To Debug That Mug!

Here is a beauty treatment that all of us ladies have used at least once in our lives – covering our faces in cream to fight the wrinkles!!

OOPS! Wrong Cream SORRY....

OOPS! Wrong Cream SORRY....

(How’d that file get in here?) Anyway…

I am speaking of all the times we wasted our money for promises in the night that never occur! Slapping on that wrinkle treatments, falling into bed, and sleeping off another Heiny-buzz and all for what? A face that looks more wrinkled, if anything, the next day???

The only OTC product I’ve tried that seems to actual do something for the face is alpha-hydroxy. It works by peeling the tops layer of your skin gently off to reveal new skin underneath! I used to be able to afford the generic brand of alpha hydroxy for about $13 at Walgreens, but that was last year in another life.

HOWEVER!!! I did discover something for under $3 that works just as well oweing to containing the same lactic acid complex as the man-made alpha hydroxy, but it’s cheaper AND the dermatologist who suggested it says it won’t make your skin worse in later years like the manmade version might end up doing….

Here it is folks!

Come on! You've had worse things on your face..

Come on! You've had worse things on your face..

Ok here are the directions (so easy I swear):

1. Buy a tub of PLAIN yogurt at the grocery store; brand does NOT matter. But it has to be PLAIN (organic is better.

2. After washing your face and drying, apply the yogurt as a mask all over the face and neck (avoiding the eyes) and let dry for 20 minutes. If you’re ADHD and can’t handle 20 minutes doing nothing, Oprah! is probably on some channel somewhere bragging about giving away money but conveniently forgetting that I have been sending her my address and sob story for three years now, beeotch!!.

3. Wash off with warm H2o, then splash cold H2o on face and slather with moisturizer.

Your face may be sensitive at first but the redness will go away, I promise. The coolest thing about this yogurt treatment is it’s natural, AND the more you use it the smoother your face is; it even evens out your skin tone after awhile.

NOTE: If after applying the yogurt for a minimum of 2 weeks straight and your face continues to look like this –

Anyone seen my Sharp-pay?

Anyone seen my Sharp-pay?

Give up trying to look young and just be happy if you can still take a dump every day!!!

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09
May
09

JUST A HINT THAT YOU MAY NEED…….

THAT WAS ONLY 69? I'M NOT SURE I CAN MAKE IT TO 70

THAT WAS ONLY 69? I'M NOT SURE I CAN MAKE IT TO 70

Summer’s Eve….

Ladies, it’s summer. It’s time to get in shape and wear those shorts again. Get that tan.
Get that man….but not like this.

Remember, it’s HOT it’s STICKY but contrary to what Sammy Hagar may believe it’s not always rock candy Baby…

So Give a HOOT Don’t Pollute!! Keep America Beeyooooootiful…….

Instructions:

1. Wash often, sometimes in between times if you get my drift.
2. Change those Vicki’s Secrets often and as needed.
3. And as pleasant and fragrant as Summer’s Eve seems to flow off the tongue as if by magick….too much flora can cause a lot of fauna (Not in a good way)

To Sum it UP: Don’t make him cry, wash and dry.

08
May
09

Where’s……The Teeth?

SO VERY SORRY THAT YOU MISSED OPEN ENROLLMENT AT DELTA DENTAL

SO VERY SORRY THAT YOU MISSED OPEN ENROLLMENT AT DELTA DENTAL

NICE TRY....but NO....

NICE TRY....but NO....

 

 

 

 

If you have teeth like BatBoy here only a team of very expensive and talented dentists will be able to help you, sorry.

If you have or can afford to buy Crest White Strips then use them. They work wonderfully, are easy to apply and dissolve right on your teeth!  However, if  you are like most of us who would need to wait for Santa to bring them in  December and you need whiter teeth NOW, then you are in luck, I have an answer:

The items on this list can be purchased at the Dollar Store or relatively cheaply at any discount chain pharmacy-type store:

1. Whitening toothpaste.  (Make this your one and only toothpaste for daily use)

2. Whitening rinse.

3. Baking soda.

4. Dental Floss.

5. (Optional) Paint-on whitening tooth gel.  (I saw this item for a year at the local Dollar Store in my city; it appeared to be a stock item in their toothpaste aisle which was located right next to the clothes line display of granny panties.)

Here’s what to do:

1. Brush your teeth to remove debris.

2. Rinse with your whitening rinse.  You have to wait 30 min after whitening rinse to continue  so take a break and  watch  the rest of  Dr. Phil or spy on your neighbors.  

3. After 30 minutes perform your first floss – gently move in and out between teeth to get the rest of the debris missed by brushing.

4. Make a silver dollar sized amount of paste out of baking soda, a bit of water and whitening toothpaste and put to the side.

5. Rinse and spit with water.

6. Tear off a piece of floss and coat it with the paste, it doesn’t matter if it’s neat or gloppy. Take the coated piece of floss and gently work it in and out in between  your teeth.  Floss your whole mouth in sections, applying more paste as necessary. Let the paste sit in your mouth for about 5 minutes.   Rinse and repeat the paste floss trick one more time. What this does is spread the whitening properties where the toothbrush can’t reach.  Eventually your teeth won’t look like they belong in a mouth of someone named Bubba Jo. It takes time but this really removes the stains accumulated over the years by wine, coffee, tobacco and any unmentionable that darkened them.

7. The optional gel is for when you have a few minutes time.  You coat your teeth with the gel and let it set for 10  minutes or so then rinse and brush.  If you have sensitive teeth make another paste from the above ingredients and coat teeth with it, let it set 10 minutes or so then brush and rinse.

8. Brush your teeth gently and rinse with water.

If you practice the whitening floss trick two or three times a week and make it a habit with brushing and using the rinse your teeth will be whiter in no time.  And don’t forget to ask Santa for those Crest White Strips for Christmas.  Happy Brushing!!

08
May
09

You Need Marty Feldman Eyes – Tired Eyes WAKE UP!!!!

Before the drops and whiteliner
Before the drops and whiteliner

It’s morning. Oh GAWD, already? You just got in an hour ago and now  you have to get up again! Oh NO! Wait a minute – is it Friday? Oh shit! Tonight you meet your new guy’s family and to say you are not at your best is putting it mildly…..What to do?

As LUCK would have it, this old partyer from way back knows JUST the TRICK for those eyes.  You will need the following:

1. Allergy eyedrops; can i mention brands here? (oh yeah, it’s MY BLOG) Bausch and Lomb work great.

2. One WHITE crayon eyeliner pencil.

Here you go:

1. Wash your face. 

2. Apply 2 drops allergy relief drops in each eye.

3. Gently pull lower eyelid down and apply tip of white eyeliner pencil from the inner corner of the lower eyelid all the way to the end of the eye (still applying to inside of lower eyelid)

line the lower eyelid with white eyeliner crayon

Trace inner eyelid with white crayon

4. Take a dark eyeliner pencil and smudge gently from the middle of lower lash line to the end of eye (normal eyelining ya know?; the cleopatra thing)

WHY IT WORKS:  The allergy drops soothe and refresh your eyeballs plus have the added bonus of making your pupils HUGE (for a while anyway).

The white pencil eyeliner applied to ledge of inner lower eyelid also makes your eyes appear HUGE as it white gives the illusion of more or bigger eyes.

You can use the eyedrops up to twice a day, the eyeliner anytime.  You can buy the allergy drops over the counter for about $6 and the pencil for about $2 at any pharmacy drugstore.

ah clear pretty eyes

ah clear pretty eyes

Many times I have had this trick to thank for making me appear alert and interested in what someone was yapping at me when all I wanted was to curl up under my covers and sleep off the night before.  (The lazy eye? well, i couldn’t do anything about that but at least it looked refreshed)

durrrrr...

durrrrr...

08
May
09

Words of Wisdom Straight From the Trailer Park

Wine: Making Baby Showers Bearable For Over 100 Years

Wine: Making Baby Showers Bearable For Over 100 Years

Everyone has something valid to contribute to the world and everyone has value. 

Your biggest critic is yourself.  Your SELF is the thing that natters in your ear 24/7 about all your inadequacies; you DON’T  make the grade, will NEVER make the grade; someday the whole world will see you for the impostor you really are, blah, blah, blah,   At least that is what my self told me for years, and it had lots of company to drive the point in. 

Many years later,  a bit o’  trailer park wisdom from my now former mother-in-law caused me to pause and reflect how I had been letting others get to me all of my life.  And the scales of self-flagellation started to fall from my eyes.   

It happened like this: My imperfect but intimidating sister-in-law was in her usual mode of spreading joy. Bitching about what a loser her husband was – couldn’t do anything right, didn’t have the sense God gave a flea – blah, blah, blah.   Her Mom suddenly interrupted her mid-whine and said: “Oh for God’s Sake Lisa, (yeah, that’s her name too), even a broken clock is right twice a day.”

Assinine-sounding I know, but after all the self-help books I had read,  after the millionth Dr. Phil “i’m OK but you’re Not” lecture I had gagged down,  after the hours of  meditation and bottles of medication I had put away while chanting positive mantras to ease my guilt for being me;  here finally, was a simple country idiom that brought it all home to me. 

Even a broken clock is RIGHT twice a day”…….

Hmm… There seems to be a limitless supply of people, including “best friends” and family members, always ready to assist you in your acts of self-annihilation.  I had  been the recipient of their assistance many times myself. What I never questioned before was WHY?  I had always thought it was because I was lacking in something and deserved to be corrected, punished, talked down to.  That I deserved this treatment because ………(fill in the blank). 

What my Mother-in-law’s comment did was get me to do some deep reflecting on human nature, my own included.   Everybody is RIGHT sometime about SOMETHING. Everybody is right in their own view of the world.  Everybody has rights. Everybody is alright as themselves.

Many people in the world today are not secure, happy campers.  They are just as frightened and miserable as the  frightened and miserable person standing next to them.  I have felt this way myself.  But the majority of people choose not to face and fight their own demons.  It is much easier to blame or make someone else the target of their misery, no matter who that person is to them.

So finally I understood the saying  “misery loves company”. To bring people down with you is easier than facing and accepting responsibility for finding your own solution and “growing”.  It’s better to go with the devil you know then risk climbing out onto possibly rougher terrain.  

So that’s what these last 8 years of my journey have been mostly about; facing my fears,  realizing I have value and valuing MYSELF,  and climbing out of my own personal dark abyss. 

I choose now to always hang out where it’s light and warm.

Everyone else who chooses to stay in the darkness, can do it without the pleasure of my company:)




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