Elixirific: Scrub away those dead-lay lipz…..

Tired of those dry, witchy lips of winter? Well, look no further than Elixirific sugar lip scrub!  The verdict is in – with just a little dab on the finger and a bit of scrubbing, you can turn those cracked lips caked up with “years of lip goo” accumulation away, and turn those pouters into the kissable lips of your youth!  Pair it with a Elixirfic lip balm – which is tasty, 100% natural and I can’t find it to send you a picture cuz i probably ATE it, and you are good to go!  I just have one request of Ms. Anderson – Come up with a Lip Plumper and I’ll swoon and die!  THAT’S ElixirIFFIC!

UPDATE: Elixirific lotion bar

Ok, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think so. My boyfriend commented on how my skin looks more even toned and radiant since using Heather’s lotion bar! The suppleness of my skin is fantastic, and when I use it, I KNOW I am applying natural ingredients to my face. Oh yeah, I promised you I’d tell you what my actual skin tone turned out to be…DRUM ROLL…

I am happy to say that it is “olive-ish white” now that the icky “red blotches” I was getting with other lotions are GONE!

Heather you ROCK!!!!

ELIXIRIFIC lotion bar is EXLIR-IFFIC!

Are you tired of trying lotions and creams that not only DON’T live up to your expectations, but are full of chemicals to boot? Well, you will be happy to know that you need look no further than EXLIXIRIFIC.com for a natural product that MORE than lives up to your expectations in the way of improving the look and feel of your skin.

I got REALLY lucky to be able to try this product absolutely FREE, as a friend of mine makes this, and other products from scratch and healthy ingredients, and sells them on her website.

The lotion comes in a “bar” that is shaped like a star. Although, I refuse to give away the ingredients in respect to her creative licenture, I will say that shea butter is only one of the wholesome ingredients this “beauty bar” contains.

I tried it for the first time a couple of days ago, with a bit of apprehension. I say “a bit of apprehension” because I am one of those people whose skin often adversely reacts to those products that claim to be “all natural”. So, even though I rubbed it on my face and it went on smooth – AND my skin felt hydrated and supple – I still half expected to start itching, and wake up to all those lovely little red welts that I have come to expect from time to time, when trying new “beauty” products.

However, I was more than pleasantly surprised the next morning when I woke up to a more dewy-looking complexion that had lasted overnight – and this without having to reapply the lotion first! From what I have heard, continued use often brings about a better complexion “color and tone” as well as the elasticity. (I will keep you posted on what my REAL skin tone turns out to be, in about a week or two, but I am feeling very optimistic that I will LOVE IT!)

So, with that, I am giving the Elixirific lotion bar a FOUR THUMBS UP! (That’s TWO from ME, and TWO from Fluffy – who has to look at my mug until the day he or I happens to croak)

And one more thing. Although I mentioned I received this product in a gift basket (Thanks again, Heather!), at $7.50 per bar, it’s more than affordable to people of EVERY income. (Even those who have had to turn in bottles and cans….like me…last year)

So, do yourself a favor and check this product out for yourself! And, I will be posting future reviews on the other products as I try them…

Have a GREAT day!!!

Your face needs that tomato way more than that pizza ever will…

The gal on the end looks like she could be that tomato’s sister, doesn’t she? (Something about the mouth….)

 

 

 

 

 

 One of these days – if it hasn’t happened already that is – you’ll glance in the mirror and your heart will stop.  And for once the fact that you’re a broke-ass 47 year old who can’t get a job at McDonalds won’t bother you as much as seeing Grandma’s face (on her worst “old lady” day) staring back at you in ironic amusement.  Only you won’t be amused, will you?  

 

As you start to panic over the seemingly sudden appearance of the dry lifeless, and getting wrinkled!  skin, along with the sags and bags that now cover your once Dewey complexion, it dawns on you that maybe you shouldn’t have bagged on Grandma for getting old, wrinkly and well…baggy.  Even though though you had the courtesy to make fun of her sharpei wrinkles behind her crooked old back you now wonder…is there a chance she might have heard your cruel comments? You realize that you may have royally screwed the pooch when you picked on her pouches, but its too late for sorries now – Grandma’s been dead and gone for 25 years or so.  Yet it appears that she’s somehow come BACK from beyond the grave to get her revenge…on YOUR face (which is becoming the very face you used to make fun of)   Can’t you just hear Grandma’s gleeful cackle at the meting out of justice?  Hmmm….what to do….

Face lifts and other surgical treatments are OUT.  Did I mention you’re BROKE? And besides, you never did well with knives – remember that “situation” with the  genital warts you had to have removed last year after a fuzzy drunken night o’ love with that toothless guy you met at the free clinic? And forget those foreign sounding face creams, they’re way too expensive and they never worked on Grandma’s face although she bought EVERY damn one of them at some point in her life.  So should you just sit there and shrivel up like a prune, day after day, until you start getting calls to audition for California Raisins – The Next Generation?

I heard it through the grape vine Granny...

Hell NO!  We don’t roll that way do we Mildred? (Oh was that your Granny’s name? Sorry, you just look SO much like her…)  Luckily for you, once again I have a solution that’s right up your alley – It’s cheap, it’s edible (in it’s other role as food that is) and is WORKS! (unlike you…)  What is this miracle “anti-grandma face” wonder cure? Why the lowly tomato, of course…. It acts just like store bought alpha hydroxy cream but it’s pennies on the dollar PLUS it won’t wear out your skin as “man made” alpha hydroxy cream does.  In essence, the juice of the tomatoes perform a natural chemical peel on your skin.

A word to the wise.   If you get your tomatoes from a store then you can skip this section.  But it you are getting some from a neighbors plant or stealing them from a farmers field somewhere, know that tomato plants often have illegal aliens hanging UNDER their branches – the very disgusting TOMATO WORM.  You may have not seen a tomato worm before but once you do you will never forget it’s ugly florescent green hue and evil unicorn horn.  They kinda of come out of nowhere, even after you swear you’ve already gone leaf by leaf and deemed your tomato plants clean, so just watch out – they have stingers. 

Even when they’re trying to be festive they’re UGLY AS HELL, aren’t they?

  

  

And for those of you who think it’s fun to inhale whip cream from cans and lick toads to get high - let’s be very clear on one thing – these ugly “things”,  should you be crazy enough to want to eat one,  are NOT edible like that “other” worm, made so popular by former acid heads who’ve switched over to Jose Cuervo – so don’t find one and down it, thinking it will get you high.  

  

THIS worm is a tequila worm:

 

   

 

  

(In reality it looks more like a formaldehyde-soaked “johnson”.  Hey, maybe we’ve located the rest of the missing peepee of the infamous, adulturous and surely regretful, Wayne Bobbitt.  For those of you in a coma at that time, back in the 1980s Wayne Bobbitt, along with an entire southwestern state police force,  searched frantically to find his missing dong before it was too late to reattach it.  A crucial part of it was actually located in the field where it landed after Mrs. Bobbitt tossed it from a car window on the freeway  -  this happening after an enraged Mrs. cut it off one night as Wayne lay peacefully dreaming of schtupping young hookers with firm boobies.  Anyway,  whatever it is in that jar – dong, worm – it’s not all THAT in my opinion.  

 OK so you’ll need two tomatoes.  Pick two fresh plump red tomatoes (sans worms of course) and place them on a cutting board.  Get a very sharp steak knife and Bobbitt each tomato into thin slices.  Place them in an empty bowl.  Don’t throw the juice away – I’ll tell you why in a moment.

OK – Moments up. 

  

  

The theory behind the tomato slices is that you place them all over your face and lay flat for 20 minutes.  Doesn’t work, I’ve tried laying in the tub with my head back, I’ve tried laying perfectly still and flat on the bed (no pillow behind my head) – they keep sliding off the face no matter what you do.  Try it if you want to, maybe you’ll have better luck than I did.

But to me the alternative works just as well.  There are several different recipes for the tomato skin tonic, but as your desperate to keep that vengeful “Grandma skin” at bay as soon as possible, I’m going to give you the simplest one:

After you sluice and squeeze the juice from the slices into your bowl (seeds are fine and you can’t avoid getting some of them anyway), you simply use your fingertips and apply the juice to a clean, dry face – avoiding the eye area, lips and mouth, of course.  It has more consistancy than water and dries pretty quickly.  Be sure to wrap your hair up in a towel beforehand, as the tomato juice is sticky and you’ll be sure to get some seeds drying in various places on your skin – you don’t want to be picking them out of your hair.

As I mentioned before, tomato juice right from the tomato acts as a natural chemical peel, so after 20 minutes is done and you rinse with cool water, you may find that your face is as red …as a tomato! ( LOL, couldn’t resist that one) The redness will go away fast.  After your tomato peel is completed just apply skin creme as normal and you’re good to go.

Do this 2 to 3 times per week and send Granny back to the grave…where she belongs…Have fun!

 

 

 

Sometimes We Need Oil to Look This Slick…

 

PSSST..99 Cents Only stores… 

 

 

You’re over 40.  Your skin is dry and dull.  Your face is starting to show off those fine lines (you know the ones I mean).  There’s some deep ones around the mouth from 5 years of making constipated faces behind the back of the boss who continually pisses you off;  crowsfeet or “squinters lines”  you picked up from all those late nights that found you  swerving home, a wee bit tipsy, from the bars -(Concentrating on making out the road divder lines and trying hard to uncross your eyes at the same time will do that to the delicate skin around a girl’s eyes!)

 

And don”t forget those forhead “who me?” grooves you accrued while trying to con the many nice policemen who pulled you over on some of those nights.

 

 

No I CAN'T tell you your future...I read PALMS NOT FACES!

Remember this?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Face it – trying to have a fun but sense-dulled life is rough on the old complextion.  You only WISH you were that pimply-faced teenager once again.  What you wouldn’t give for a little skin oil!

REVERSE Polka Dots!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Well, you’re in luck!  I’ve got just the appetizer for you…

 

From the back streets of the Bronx and Brooklyn! Stuck between the secret receipe for Great Great Great Grandmother Zeldamona’s pizza dough and a lost can of “MamaMIA! Loosa Dat Musa stacha!” Feminine Hair Remover, is this ancient Chinese secret for smooth skin.   REVEALED at last by a group of our  lovely italian sisters! (The Madonna sisters not the DeLuise females) 

 

The secret?  Good old extra virgin olive oil mixed with regular face cream.  I swear this makes a difference to your skin!  Extra virgin olive oil and soybean oil, in fact  - Campania brand.   You can buy it from the 99 Cents Only Store for only 99 cents! 

 

For your reading pleasure and beauty edification I now present to you, part of a post I borrowed from Yahoo! ANSWERS that gives you the oil rub low down…

  

“Olive oil is one of those magical substances that is good for almost everything–your diet, your skin, your hands and nails, and your hair. Prized for its cosmetic uses since ancient times, olive oil is relatively inexpensive and can be purchased in most grocery stores.”   (Remember ladies….99 Cents Only stores!)

“Use extra virgin, as brands labeled “pure” and “light” have been chemically processed. Because the oil’s fat composition is very similar to that of human skin, it rarely causes allergic reactions. In addition, it’s absorbed quickly and helps lock in moisture in the skin. The high percentage of unsaturated fat and vitamins A and E, helpful in preventing sun damage, also work on the outside to soothe and replenish, particularly sensitive skin. It is also pure, and unmixed with anything but water, unlike other oils.”

“You may find you love this elixir enough to buy an attractive storage bottle so you can keep it in the bathroom rather than dragging the big container out of the kitchen every night. And if you don’t like the smell, you can always mix it with a little of your favorite hand, body, or hair lotions.”  (I mix it with lavendar lotion when applying it to my body - also from 99 Cents Only stores…hey, I should be getting a kick back from this!)

See How Good HIS Skin Looks?

 

 

 

Every post I researched in the past two months, old wives tales and clinician’s opinions alike,  have given roughly the same information and that was good enough for me!  So if you’re into gettin’ greasy here is what I do for soft, supple rehydrated skin: 

 

Buy Extra Virgin olive oil with soy oil …Make those Vegans happy with an act of random blandness  (HINT: Soy oil is GREAT for the skin as well) 

 

 

 

After cleaning your face with a good soap and water.  Dry it.

 

Mix your oil (don’t go overboard you might slip in an oil spill and break a hip – NOT GOOD at our ages…) with some generic skin cream and blend well with your hands. 

 

I start out by applying a good deal of my mixture to the neck as an anti-turkey waddle precaution.

 

Till you feel comfortable with the oily feeling, apply lightly to your face and blend it. (Avoid the areas that still have old faithful oil wells - the nose and parts of the chin etc).

 

Let the mixtures absorb into your skin before applying any makeup.

 

For a body mositurizer use a scented lotion if you wish, add some oil, blend and rub all over your body!

 

I perform this routine A.M and P.M. before bed.  In a day or so your whole body and face should feel and appear smoother and you won’t have to worry for a few more years  about looking like this…

 

 

 

Lookin' Sharp Sharpei-girl...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always  remember this wee factoid:  How good, or not good,  someone’s outsides look are only as good as they pamper their insides. Feed your body good nutritious foods, drink plenty of win     water, walk up and down a couple of stairs a day (If you don’t have stairs walk all over some scapegoat - it’s great exercise and it feels sooo good ..) and sleep once in a while dammit!

 

Disclaimer: This post, although humorous, is solely the product of  the tried and true opinion of the author,  who researches information on her own and follows left field alternative ways to stay healthy and keep youthful.  The reader is highly encouraged to check out all the in information available out there on the WWW, including any precautions regarding certain medical conditions.  And if a reader thinks Peanut Oil of OLAY! is going to do it for her, the author says “Have at it!!”  Not everything is for everyone.  The author will not be held liable for any grease adventures gone awry and will not accept being slammed with a lawsuit by the angry family of a woman who after reading this post, slathers herself in garlic-flavored oil olive, goes out on for a night on the town to show off her glowing skin and gets eaten by a moron who was really hungry at that particular moment, craving italian food, couldn’t find a pizza place open and consumed her on the spot.  So word to the wise – one might not want to step on out smelling like “Taste o’ Italy”..

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YO PLAIT – er! Time To Debug That Mug!

Here is a beauty treatment that all of us ladies have used at least once in our lives – covering our faces in cream to fight the wrinkles!!

OOPS! Wrong Cream SORRY....

(How’d that file get in here?) Anyway…

I am speaking of all the times we wasted our money for promises in the night that never occur! Slapping on that wrinkle treatments, falling into bed, and sleeping off another Heiny-buzz and all for what? A face that looks more wrinkled, if anything, the next day???

The only OTC product I’ve tried that seems to actual do something for the face is alpha-hydroxy. It works by peeling the tops layer of your skin gently off to reveal new skin underneath! I used to be able to afford the generic brand of alpha hydroxy for about $13 at Walgreens, but that was last year in another life.

HOWEVER!!! I did discover something for under $3 that works just as well oweing to containing the same lactic acid complex as the man-made alpha hydroxy, but it’s cheaper AND the dermatologist who suggested it says it won’t make your skin worse in later years like the manmade version might end up doing….

Here it is folks!

Come on! You've had worse things on your face..

Ok here are the directions (so easy I swear):

1. Buy a tub of PLAIN yogurt at the grocery store; brand does NOT matter. But it has to be PLAIN (organic is better.

2. After washing your face and drying, apply the yogurt as a mask all over the face and neck (avoiding the eyes) and let dry for 20 minutes. If you’re ADHD and can’t handle 20 minutes doing nothing, Oprah! is probably on some channel somewhere bragging about giving away money but conveniently forgetting that I have been sending her my address and sob story for three years now, beeotch!!.

3. Wash off with warm H2o, then splash cold H2o on face and slather with moisturizer.

Your face may be sensitive at first but the redness will go away, I promise. The coolest thing about this yogurt treatment is it’s natural, AND the more you use it the smoother your face is; it even evens out your skin tone after awhile.

NOTE: If after applying the yogurt for a minimum of 2 weeks straight and your face continues to look like this -

Anyone seen my Sharp-pay?

Give up trying to look young and just be happy if you can still take a dump every day!!!

JUST A HINT THAT YOU MAY NEED…….

THAT WAS ONLY 69? I'M NOT SURE I CAN MAKE IT TO 70

Summer’s Eve….

Ladies, it’s summer. It’s time to get in shape and wear those shorts again. Get that tan.
Get that man….but not like this.

Remember, it’s HOT it’s STICKY but contrary to what Sammy Hagar may believe it’s not always rock candy Baby…

So Give a HOOT Don’t Pollute!! Keep America Beeyooooootiful…….

Instructions:

1. Wash often, sometimes in between times if you get my drift.
2. Change those Vicki’s Secrets often and as needed.
3. And as pleasant and fragrant as Summer’s Eve seems to flow off the tongue as if by magick….too much flora can cause a lot of fauna (Not in a good way)

To Sum it UP: Don’t make him cry, wash and dry.

Where’s……The Teeth?

SO VERY SORRY THAT YOU MISSED OPEN ENROLLMENT AT DELTA DENTAL

NICE TRY....but NO....

 

 

 

 

If you have teeth like BatBoy here only a team of very expensive and talented dentists will be able to help you, sorry.

If you have or can afford to buy Crest White Strips then use them. They work wonderfully, are easy to apply and dissolve right on your teeth!  However, if  you are like most of us who would need to wait for Santa to bring them in  December and you need whiter teeth NOW, then you are in luck, I have an answer:

The items on this list can be purchased at the Dollar Store or relatively cheaply at any discount chain pharmacy-type store:

1. Whitening toothpaste.  (Make this your one and only toothpaste for daily use)

2. Whitening rinse.

3. Baking soda.

4. Dental Floss.

5. (Optional) Paint-on whitening tooth gel.  (I saw this item for a year at the local Dollar Store in my city; it appeared to be a stock item in their toothpaste aisle which was located right next to the clothes line display of granny panties.)

Here’s what to do:

1. Brush your teeth to remove debris.

2. Rinse with your whitening rinse.  You have to wait 30 min after whitening rinse to continue  so take a break and  watch  the rest of  Dr. Phil or spy on your neighbors.  

3. After 30 minutes perform your first floss – gently move in and out between teeth to get the rest of the debris missed by brushing.

4. Make a silver dollar sized amount of paste out of baking soda, a bit of water and whitening toothpaste and put to the side.

5. Rinse and spit with water.

6. Tear off a piece of floss and coat it with the paste, it doesn’t matter if it’s neat or gloppy. Take the coated piece of floss and gently work it in and out in between  your teeth.  Floss your whole mouth in sections, applying more paste as necessary. Let the paste sit in your mouth for about 5 minutes.   Rinse and repeat the paste floss trick one more time. What this does is spread the whitening properties where the toothbrush can’t reach.  Eventually your teeth won’t look like they belong in a mouth of someone named Bubba Jo. It takes time but this really removes the stains accumulated over the years by wine, coffee, tobacco and any unmentionable that darkened them.

7. The optional gel is for when you have a few minutes time.  You coat your teeth with the gel and let it set for 10  minutes or so then rinse and brush.  If you have sensitive teeth make another paste from the above ingredients and coat teeth with it, let it set 10 minutes or so then brush and rinse.

8. Brush your teeth gently and rinse with water.

If you practice the whitening floss trick two or three times a week and make it a habit with brushing and using the rinse your teeth will be whiter in no time.  And don’t forget to ask Santa for those Crest White Strips for Christmas.  Happy Brushing!!

You Need Marty Feldman Eyes – Tired Eyes WAKE UP!!!!

Before the drops and whiteliner

It’s morning. Oh GAWD, already? You just got in an hour ago and now  you have to get up again! Oh NO! Wait a minute – is it Friday? Oh shit! Tonight you meet your new guy’s family and to say you are not at your best is putting it mildly…..What to do?

As LUCK would have it, this old partyer from way back knows JUST the TRICK for those eyes.  You will need the following:

1. Allergy eyedrops; can i mention brands here? (oh yeah, it’s MY BLOG) Bausch and Lomb work great.

2. One WHITE crayon eyeliner pencil.

Here you go:

1. Wash your face. 

2. Apply 2 drops allergy relief drops in each eye.

3. Gently pull lower eyelid down and apply tip of white eyeliner pencil from the inner corner of the lower eyelid all the way to the end of the eye (still applying to inside of lower eyelid)

Trace inner eyelid with white crayon

4. Take a dark eyeliner pencil and smudge gently from the middle of lower lash line to the end of eye (normal eyelining ya know?; the cleopatra thing)

WHY IT WORKS:  The allergy drops soothe and refresh your eyeballs plus have the added bonus of making your pupils HUGE (for a while anyway).

The white pencil eyeliner applied to ledge of inner lower eyelid also makes your eyes appear HUGE as it white gives the illusion of more or bigger eyes.

You can use the eyedrops up to twice a day, the eyeliner anytime.  You can buy the allergy drops over the counter for about $6 and the pencil for about $2 at any pharmacy drugstore.

ah clear pretty eyes

Many times I have had this trick to thank for making me appear alert and interested in what someone was yapping at me when all I wanted was to curl up under my covers and sleep off the night before.  (The lazy eye? well, i couldn’t do anything about that but at least it looked refreshed)

durrrrr...

Words of Wisdom Straight From the Trailer Park

Wine: Making Baby Showers Bearable For Over 100 Years

Everyone has something valid to contribute to the world and everyone has value. 

Your biggest critic is yourself.  Your SELF is the thing that natters in your ear 24/7 about all your inadequacies; you DON’T  make the grade, will NEVER make the grade; someday the whole world will see you for the impostor you really are, blah, blah, blah,   At least that is what my self told me for years, and it had lots of company to drive the point in. 

Many years later,  a bit o’  trailer park wisdom from my now former mother-in-law caused me to pause and reflect how I had been letting others get to me all of my life.  And the scales of self-flagellation started to fall from my eyes.   

It happened like this: My imperfect but intimidating sister-in-law was in her usual mode of spreading joy. Bitching about what a loser her husband was – couldn’t do anything right, didn’t have the sense God gave a flea - blah, blah, blah.   Her Mom suddenly interrupted her mid-whine and said: “Oh for God’s Sake Lisa, (yeah, that’s her name too), even a broken clock is right twice a day.”

Assinine-sounding I know, but after all the self-help books I had read,  after the millionth Dr. Phil ”i’m OK but you’re Not” lecture I had gagged down,  after the hours of  meditation and bottles of medication I had put away while chanting positive mantras to ease my guilt for being me;  here finally, was a simple country idiom that brought it all home to me. 

“Even a broken clock is RIGHT twice a day”…….

Hmm… There seems to be a limitless supply of people, including “best friends” and family members, always ready to assist you in your acts of self-annihilation.  I had  been the recipient of their assistance many times myself. What I never questioned before was WHY?  I had always thought it was because I was lacking in something and deserved to be corrected, punished, talked down to.  That I deserved this treatment because ………(fill in the blank). 

What my Mother-in-law’s comment did was get me to do some deep reflecting on human nature, my own included.   Everybody is RIGHT sometime about SOMETHING. Everybody is right in their own view of the world.  Everybody has rights. Everybody is alright as themselves.

Many people in the world today are not secure, happy campers.  They are just as frightened and miserable as the  frightened and miserable person standing next to them.  I have felt this way myself.  But the majority of people choose not to face and fight their own demons.  It is much easier to blame or make someone else the target of their misery, no matter who that person is to them.

So finally I understood the saying  ”misery loves company”. To bring people down with you is easier than facing and accepting responsibility for finding your own solution and “growing”.  It’s better to go with the devil you know then risk climbing out onto possibly rougher terrain.  

So that’s what these last 8 years of my journey have been mostly about; facing my fears,  realizing I have value and valuing MYSELF,  and climbing out of my own personal dark abyss. 

I choose now to always hang out where it’s light and warm.

Everyone else who chooses to stay in the darkness, can do it without the pleasure of my company:)

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